So, some of you might already know what's been going on and some may not. We've gone through different stages where we've been really quiet about everything and then the next month we seem to be willing to share with everyone.

Jack and I have been married since May 2000. For about 6-7 of the last 8 1/2 years, we have been trying to start a family. Long story short, we've tried countless clomid cycles, 2 surgeries, 3 IUI's, injections - none of which have been successful. So, now we are preparing for IVF. I started journaling a week ago to keep track of everything. I'm going to try and catch you up with the last week...

January 14th, 2009

I received my box of medications in the mail today. Actually via Fed Ex overnight delivery. I had been somewhat prepared by the nurse that it would be a large box and contain a lot. That was no exaggeration. The box could have held 4 shoe boxes at least. As I unpacked it and set the contents out on the counter, it was a bit overwhelming. I just kept pulling everything out, one at a time and thinking "oh my gosh! I can't believe I'm going to be poking myself this many times and taking this much medication". I don't think I had that many injections in all my childhood years combined.

So, on the one hand, I was thinking what have we gotten ourselves into? On the other hand, I can't wait to start! I really can't believe in 6-7 years all that we have been through. I can't believe we're actually going through IVF. Looking at the pile of needles and meds laying on my kitchen counter, it became very real.

So, we're finally going to do this. I'm excited! Nervous! Anxious! Scared! and so much more. I don't know what to do with myself some days. I feel like we've waited forever for this.

As weird as it may sound, I can't wait for my first injection next week. The first injection is just Lupron, that starts the 21st. At least then I will feel like we're moving forward, not just standing still. I have everything from that point mapped out on my calendar. And it is no exaggeration that my calendar is not big enough. From the 21st and on (until mid February), I will be doing at least one injection a day.

I'm feeling pretty good at this point. I think the hardest thing is keeping negative thoughts out of my head. We've been through so much and gotten our hopes up so many times, there is definitely a fear of disappointment. But, all I can do is put all my faith and trust in God. I know that He has a plan and He will be with us every step of the way. We have to go into this BELIEVING that it is going to work. We have a great shot. We are so blessed to have so many people praying for us. We are so blessed to be in a position financially to go through this.

Everyday my prayer is that God be with us and that we trust in Him with all our hearts.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."

Proverbs 3:5-6

January 20th, 2009

Tomorrow is the day! Day 1 of the injections. The lupron shot will be tomorrow morning, first thing. I just read though the instructions yet again so I can make sure that I get everything right.

Yesterday I brought home a big dry erase calendar board and I wrote out and filled in all the meds for the next month. On the one hand it is overwhelming to look at the board now all filled in and color coded with the meds/injections for each day and which meds are morning vs night. But, on the other hand, it's comforting to know that I have it all mapped out and I can look at one day at a time and cross off as I go.

I'm anxious and excited to get going. I'm terrified for what I will feel both physically and emotionally in the coming days but FINALLY we are moving forward.

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own". Matthew 6:34

January 21st, 2009 (7:30 am)

I finally have the first of the injections under my belt. I feel like I slept really good last night but Jack said that I was mumbling in my sleep all night. I think I just had the Lupron on my mind and wanted to measure and get everything right.

I've done injections before but only Follistim. That is so easy because it is in pen form. You dial the dosage and shoot it in. The Lupron was the first med that I actually had to get the med from the vial to the syringe, measure correctly, etc... In the end, it wasn't too bad. Now I will not worry so much about the others.

It's only 7:30 AM. I had to do the injection between 6 AM and 10 AM. Now I might go back to sleep. Thank goodness I have the day off.

January 22nd, 2009

So, two days of meds are now done. I feel like a pro. I'm feeling pretty good too. Now the countdown is on for next Thursday for my baseline ultrasound.

"The will of God will not take you where the grace of God will not protect you"

I love this quote... It just reminds me that God is always with me and in control. Everything happens for a reason!

January 23rd, 2009

So, three shots down now. The lupron shots are a piece of cake now. I'm going to have quite the pattern of bruises on my thigh. They have me taking a baby aspirin everyday and that has made me bruise so easily. Immediately after the first shot, even before I took the needle out, I already had a bruise. Oh well, it will all be worth it hopefully.

Why?? So we got some disappointing news today from some friends of ours. They found out today that their final IVF was not successful. I feel horrible for them. I totally know what it's like to get your hopes up and then be so let down. You wonder why? I wish I had all the answers. I wish there were magical words to say to them to make them feel better. But, there's not. We just have to be there for them and pray for them. It's so hard to make sense of why people have to go through this. I really would not wish it on ANYONE! I have to believe though that everything happens for a reason. I wish I always knew what those reasons are but we may never know. I remind myself each and everyday how truly blessed we are. We have a great marriage, great family, great friends...We really have so much to be thankful for. I pray that a baby (or two) is in our future but I know that it is out of our control. I hope it works for us! I pray that it works for us. But, mostly I pray that God will be with us every day and help us to be strong.